For the Record – Absolute Shyte

Just for the record, my diabetes management has been absolute crap for the last couple of months (plus).

I think it is some kind of mourning period from my last A1C surprise.

Really high blood sugars and a “poor me” attitude have left me feeling tired and cranky, irritable and angry.  I feel like I’m coming through it now, but damn, what a ride.  I’ve been trying to eat it all away which makes me feel even worse after the first 10 minutes of food induced pleasure.

This period of acute depression is downright paralyzing, and when I fight up the strength and energy I apply it in a rebellious way rather than productive.

It dawned on me that I go through this period of mental struggle after every “bad” A1C result.  It takes me almost a full three months to pull out of it, lining me up for another shitty A1C result.  The difference seems to be that I expect this one to be crap, and can then get on with life.  It’s the ones that surprise me that throw me off balance.

With that recognition, and about a month before my next blood draw, I’m working through the last bits (I think) of bad attitude and moving on.

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19 thoughts on “For the Record – Absolute Shyte

  1. I can really identify with how you feel. I’ve just come through about six months of the same internal turmoil. I’ve come to the conclusion that diabetes has a mind of its own sometimes. I get myself really stressed out about a1c in the weeks before it’s time again and that stress does a number on my numbers.
    My a1c did improve this last time. My doctor had a little talk with me about setting realistic goals because I aim at “perfect” far too often and then am crushed when it doesn’t happen.
    I write about my diabetic journey at thesweetdiabetic.com

  2. Scott; you’re no worse than anyone else. Mind you, after reading some of the marvellous HbA1Cs of some of the bloggers, I was beginning to feel totally ashamed of my 7s and 8s. And I am a GP ! I think the overreacting to lows and the subsequent seesawing is one of the very difficult bits that you have to make yourself learn to manage; 20gms of carbohydrate is all you need, but it must be fast to start with; then decide if you need any more before your next proper meal.Anyway, your honest comments are very reassuring and helpful to lots of others. You are not alone !! Best wishes ! Judith

  3. Hey Scott, I just saw this post and realize it has been almost a month since you posted it. I hope you were able to pull through this month and are feeling better.
    Juggling chainsaws baby….juggling chainsaws
    Keep going…….Peace, Bob

  4. Hi Scott—I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now—since the JDRF advertised it—-and really enjoy how honest and touching your entries are. My five year old was dx last year and it is so helpful for me to read your blog to understand the struggles and triumphs that you encounter as an adult with this disease. I hope my son is as resourceful, honest, and hard working as you are as he gets older and more independent. Thank you for being yourself and sharing. Wendy B.

  5. Scott,
    I read your post and I think, DANG, I do that too.
    As much as I try and believe that “it’s only a number and it just gives information” it’s so darn hard to not
    see it as a performance review.
    It’s like we’ve been living with this blasted disease, wearing a pump, testing, thinking about carbs. We should get at least a B+. Then you get a number that’s higher than your efforts equaled, and it’s a slam.
    Hang in there. Some day the number will match all the hard work you put in to this disease.
    …Just keep swimming!…

  6. I’m fairly new to the whole blood work thing. I was at an 11 when I first found out I was diabetic. Last time it was 5.9. I’ve been scared to death that whole time. It’s not been a year yet since I was diagnosed. Depression is hard to muddle through. I keep a journal and a blog. That helps. My blog is at http://www.thesweetdiabetic.com . I write about my ups and downs there.

  7. Hey Scott, thanks for the comments, and I do that list to, OK must read and comment but…wait where did the time go? I gets it. 🙂
    It looks like we have a bit in common about the A1c blues! I am sorry the depression is kicking in too, but thank you for sharing that.
    A lot of times I feel as though I am the only one who gets that way and I am oddly afrade to blog about it..
    Try to keep forgiving yourself when things go bad. :)And hang in there!
    Amber

  8. Scotty J –
    Hang in there dude! Accept your last A1c and move on from it. Detach and let it go. Then, focus on the future.
    The Big D and depression go hand in hand, and it can stop you in your tracks, diabetes or not. I’ve been there, it sucks.
    As always, YOU ROCK & WE LOVE YA!
    K2

  9. Hi Scott
    Wow…I am feeling like shyte also. Don’t know why all of a sudden I have been eating bad…other than boredom and physically feeling terrible. I also have fibromyalgia. It seems like when the fibro is bad i eat bad. I know it is a way way to try to make me feel better….but I don’t. lol What do we do to get back on track? I wish I knew I would be there. I am just so tired.

  10. From all my reading the A1C is most effected by your last 30 days of BG’s. Take 60 days off and then buckle down the last 30 days and blow it away. NO CARB IT. You can do anything for 30 days.

  11. Scott,
    So many of us go through this. I don’t know about for you,but for me the depression bit is so debilitating when it hits, exacerbating all else, and I think that part of that shyte management of diabetes after a disappointing A1C or other result is a kind of rebellion–like saying, screw this–If I’m going to have high blood sugar when I’m doing all I can to prevent it, f**k it. I’m going to eat what I want and not try as hard because this way at least I’m safe from the fall–at least this way I feel like I AM the one controlling the higher number and not some unknown thing.
    Anyway, I feel for ya, because I’ve been there. It’s no fun.

  12. This happens to me too. I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago and gained weight. I have been eating like a pig since. Oh and I have avoided Weight Watchers and the scale because of it.
    Stay strong dude, once you type it out, you can turn it around!
    🙂

  13. This happens to me, and I’ve always blamed myself for my bad attitude in response to less-than-desirable A1C’s.
    I noticed something, though, when a new nurse practitioner, who has Type 1 herself, joined my diabetes team. She has a positive way of offering me feedback. Like, she might say, “Let’s figure out how to address your habit of spiking in the afternoon, but, overall, you’re doing a great job of keeping records and noticing patterns.” This is much more balanced and supportive feedback that I’ve gotten from other clinicians (nurse and docs), along these lines: “Why can’t you get this? It’s your attitude.” That makes me defensive and also self-critical.
    So, the point is this: maybe you are not bringing on your “poor me” attitude, as you call it, on your own. Reflect on how your clinicians deliver the A1C news to you — supportively, or critically? In other words, it might be a collection of negative messages that are getting you down.
    Find ways, then, to give specific feedback to yourself for what you are managing well enough. You’ve lived with a chronic illness for almost 30 years and mastered many changes in technology, I’ll bet. Make a list of those and give yourself a high five.

  14. Hey Scott, I’m so sorry you weren’t happy with your A1C. We all seem to expect 1+1 to always = 2 with this disease, even though we know that is not always the case. Somehow we still WANT it to be. Had an oddball thought…but what if you took a year off from getting A1C tests? If your reaction to them is counterproductive to your health, then is it worth it? I’m totally serious here. The point in them is to get feedback to help you be healthier, right? If that feedback is doing the opposite, what’s the point of it really? You test, you log, you do the best you can. An A1C result is not an actionable item in and of itself. Might be a fun thing to tell the endoc next time…”Thanks, but no, I won’t be having and A1C today. How about if you really look at my trends and help me figure out what I might actually DO to manage this disease better?”

  15. Scott,
    I’ve said this before, but somehow no one ever really seems to take it seriously (except me, perhaps): an HbA1c is only a number that tells you what to do next, it is in no way, shape, or form a report card, nor is it a reflection of bad behavior or actions you should have taken — if it were that easy, we wouldn’t need HbA1c’s because everyone would be perfect!! Seriously, don’t give it a second thought — the added stress is worse for your overall health (not to mention glycemic control) and state-of-mind than a period of shitty numbers. As we say in New York “Fugeddaboutit”!
    Regards,
    Scott Strumello

  16. For the record, I’m kind of glad it isn’t only me. Right now, I would settle for a good bg reading or two to reinforce the changes I’m trying to make!
    Glad that you figured this out before your next test.

  17. Scott, I’m sorry you’re feeling rotten. It’s a small silver lining, but think of all the people that are learning from their experiences and improving their lives. Being willing to share your failures as well as your successes takes a lot of strength.

  18. This is completely normal for me. It IS truly depressing when you work so hard at something daily and when you get your “test” back you only scored in the average category when you KNOW you aced that exam. WTF? Maybe that idiotic lab tech mislabeled your blood and really your A1C was the best ever.
    Just believe in yourself and know you did the best ever, forget what those bullshit tests say! I’m proud of you and know for a fact that your results can be wrong, esp the A1C’s. If she couldn’t find your vein, there’s no telling if she could use properly use the label maker!
    Don’t believe everything you read. Sometimes you just KNOW you’re right no matter what anyone says. I think this was one of those times. Keep up the good work and lose the rotten attitude, you should be proud of yourself!