Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support as I crossed my 29th year of living with type 1 diabetes. You all never fail to amaze me with the support you offer.
Wendy mentioned that it must have been weird reading through all of those old records, and she was right.
Back in the “olden days”, doctors didn’t always have their notes transcribed, or use computers. So one challenge was simply deciphering the crazy doctor handwriting!
But there was a lot more than that running through my head. A big part of me was very scared to see what “The Doctors” had to say about me as I was growing up.
I don’t remember much about growing up with diabetes, but I when I think back on it, my feelings are of failure and not doing well or trying hard enough. An all time high A1C of 17.6 in August of 1988 (age 13) does nothing but confirm those feelings.
But when I read through my history according to the doctors, there is no judgment or measuring. They did not talk about a young person driving himself straight to a life of complications and problems.
Instead, they talk about a young person who is highly motivated and energetically seeking all the help they had to offer. Someone who is constantly pushing them to move to the next advancement in treatment. They talk about a young person who was not satisfied with where his A1C’s were, and who worked very hard to battle weight gain after changes in insulin therapies.
Wow.
How could their views be so different from mine?
Maybe this says a lot about how overly critical we are of ourselves?
My all-time high was apparently 15.4 (at age 13, as well, actually). I just found my own medical records, and like you, remember little about those early days. Always enjoy your posts, Scott!
Wow! isn’t it crazy how we total see ourselves vs. what everyone else see’s?
I am glad you where motivated teenager with diabetes. It’s awesome to see your thoughts from back in the day.
I agree, I am one of those people who are too hard on themselves.
Yes, those of us living with diabetes–or those of us who love those who live with it–need more positive affirmations that every effort we make to control diabetes and live our life and all the many ways we feel about diabetes are valid–even when the blood glucose levels are off the charts!
Will the wonderful encouragement and support we can now access online make a big difference in the years to come? I believe so!
i just want to echo what lee ann said.i have been so curious about the other side of the d and never had anyone to really understand
it.the what is are as deep as a well.what if someone had said “scott what do you feel”and then they said “well you are really doing great”how much baloney would that have gotten rid of!!
oh geez
Having a lot in common with you regarding all the emotional baggage that comes with D, I can’t help but wonder what kind of difference it would have made if the resources had been in place for us to have people to talk to about having D. All those negative thoughts infecting everything about us – to be able to lay them out and have someone give us more positive, objective feedback could have made a world of difference. Those kinds of experiences were really so needless, and that makes me sad.
It’s reading blogs like yours that give moms like me hope for our children’s future.
Somehow knowing that I’m not crazy because I’m frustrated with the roller coaster — and that the roller coaster is “normal” with this disease — I don’t know…I just don’t feel alone.
I have yet to order Addy’s medical record from her hospitalization at dx. I want to have it — to read it — to see what the picture looked like from the “other side of the bed”, but I’m somewhat leary of what it’ll actually say….see…there you go inspiring folks like me again 🙂
Anyway, I’m a RN…and have gotten very good a reading all that doctor scribble after 15 years. If you need help deciphering something, just let me know 🙂
Whew! Isn’t that the truth! We most certainly ARE our own worst critics. Now if we could just see our efforts in a different light…….easier said than done.
Scott, I think we often become our own worse critics. Sometimes I think back to mistakes I’ve made and view whole periods of time colored through that single memory. Was a really such a failure? Or was that one strong emotion so intense that it washes out the others over time? It can be very relieving to read a neutral observer’s perspective from one of those times.
We are our own worst enemies, eh?
I wonder what my doc’s wrote too. I should try to find the paperwork.
I do recall at some point an A1c of 13 along the way.
I also remember my Peds Endo telling me what a great job I did of logging, how honest I was.
I remember telling her that if I am not honest with you then how can you help me.
Fast forward 15 yrs later and I still practice that mindset.
And even at a recent 9.4 all my Endo wrote was “not at goal.”
There was no yelling, pointing, accusing. He knows my struggles and I appreciate it when he takes on the role of human. 😉
Thanks for sharing Scott.
It is a constant journey this disease. It’s good to reflect back, see how far we’ve come and really, from what I can tell, you are doing So Great!!!!
Kudos to you.
Now stop being so hard on yourself. 😉
Hi Scott – that is an important thing to hear (or read)! People keep telling me that I judge myself too harshly – but there you have it in official scrawl. Give yourself credit for all you do, even when you aren’t as perfect as you want to be.
wow is right scott.thats good news in a way.i do wonder where
you we/us get stuff sometimes.is our perception skewed.in our quest to archive the great number are we subconcisely turning
positives into negatives
Wow, it’s funny how other people perceive us. We do tend to be very hard on ourselves. But obviously even at a young age your doctors were able to see your determination and your thirst to take charge and make every effort to better your situation.
Funny, this is how I see you today! 🙂