Otherwise known as “Faking the Funk”.
Conceptually I “get it”. I know what I need to focus on. I know what most of my problem areas are. At least I think I do.
I’ve talked about many of those things here on my blog, and even gone as far as to lay out an action plan to attack those problem areas.
And that’s exactly how far I’ve gone with it in most cases.
What’s up with that? Why don’t I fix it? Why don’t I take those steps I’ve thought out?
Sometimes I will start the plan, then get frustrated with something and throw it all to the wind.
The mind is such a tangled up place. I mean, if I KNOW that things are causing me problems, why is it so hard to change my behavior?
I need both my hands and feet, as well as those of my immediate family, to count all of the things I’ve talked about working on or improving on. I can count on one hand the areas that I’ve made some sort of progress.
I am thankful and proud of myself for that much progress, but there is so much more that I could be doing. Why is it so hard to actually follow through on this stuff?
My therapist and I have been making a lot of progress lately, which is great. I’m starting to find these appointments very productive and helpful and have therefore ramped up the frequency.
At the same time, some of the issues we are beginning to uncover are scary to me. I don’t have any concrete examples – nothing I can put my finger on – but nevertheless these are things that my mind has avoided dealing with for some reason or another. I find that scary. And we have just now begun to slowly chip away at the layers and layers of protection that I have built up around them.
I have so much to gain by working all of this stuff out – but my immediate reaction to the idea of working on any of it is to escape – to ignore it somehow. To distract myself with some short term comfort (ie, food, sleep, TV, some silly project, etc.)
Is it because the problem areas are often things that don’t cause me immediate and sharp pain – like a cut or a burn? Are they areas that I just “know better” but fool myself into thinking I can “get away” with what I’m doing now? Just one more time? Only to cause myself to carry around a thousand pound load of guilt & shame about the long term ramifications?
Is it just me? Any of you out there fight with knowing what needs to be done, but not actually doing anything about it? Or starting to do something, perhaps only half-assed, then when you encounter the tiniest of obstacles you get frustrated and give up? Where’s my commitment and follow through? I have so much to gain. Why is it so hard?
There are times I feel very strong – I will not be beaten by this.
Then there are times where my willpower is about as strong as a wet noodle…