Well, maybe not so surely, but definitely slowly.
Back in early November I was surprised by a higher than expected A1C. I posted on how surprised, frustrated and over all very deflated I felt by the result. I felt like I had been doing so good – to be blindsided by a higher A1C really messed me up.
Try as I did to avoid it, that higher A1C result kicked off what I call a “fuck it” phase. Where you feel, despite all that you know to the contrary, that all the work is not producing any results. I sent myself into a tail spin and lost most of my control about my eating, just ballparking the carb values and rollercoasting my BG’s all over the place. My “payday BK breakfast” (BK for breakfast once every couple weeks) turned into 3-4 times per week. My motivation to exercise fell off the face of the planet. I was just generally depressed and not feeling like doing a damn thing about it. It’s knowing you are down in the dumps, but deciding it’s easier to stay there and feel sorry for yourself than it is to buck up and get back to good. I was basically doing what I had to do to avoid any major catastrophe’s, but that was about it.
Being in the “Slump” makes each day completely overwhelming. Just doing whatever it takes to get through the day, to get to sleep, then wake up and start it all over again.
I think for the most part, dealing with and managing diabetes is different for everyone. For me, it’s a lot of work. And as I’ve explained before it is not like some task I can simply cross off my “to do” list once I’m done. It requires many mental visits throughout the day, and a fairly consistent level of motivation, diligence and determination.
That consistent level of motivation, diligence and determination are hard for me to maintain. Especially because the consequences of bad decisions are not immediately apparent. But how long can I get away with that before I develop long term complications? Then I’ll be dealing with constant punishment for decisions made years ago. What a guilt trip!
I think we all are guilty to some degree of “it won’t happen to me”. So far I’ve been lucky, but I’ve got this feeling of impending problems that will happen if I continue to go through these bad spots. But then I’m trying to control my diabetes out of fear, which pisses me off, then I rebel against it! Man, attitude makes such a difference!
I’m feeling the start of some desire to pull myself up out of the slump, and get things moving back in a positive direction. I am working my way through it, and just so you know – I don’t think acceptance is a one time thing. I think it’s probably a more cyclical process that happens many many times. The bottom line is that managing diabetes is something that you must want to do, even if you don’t like to do it.