There were a couple of posts on the blogs I read regularly that I was particularly in touch with.
The first is Jay’s post over at Cyber Pancreas regarding fighting depression, but also the “Trifecta” of weight loss (being Cardio, Weight Training & Diet), and not being able to pull it off.
Those two topics in particular hit home with me. When asking himself “Why am I depressed”, he answers “Well, for the most part I just try not to think about that, it makes me depressed.”.
It sounds wrong of me to get a chuckle out of that, but I don’t mean it that way. I chuckle because that perfectly sums it up! When feeling down, it is so much easier to just ignore everything, stay down and feel sorry for yourself. It feels like the amount of energy required to pull yourself back to good is just so great that it’s really not worth it. Too much work.
I also like the “Trifecta” thing. In his post, he’s referring to weight loss. I like the term “Trifecta” because it presents the idea that weight loss is not just a one-sided thing, but rather is a small handful of things that all need to work together in order to get results. I think a similar concept applies to diabetes control, though there would be many more than three things implied in the “Tri” of “Trifecta”. I tried thinking of other words but they just don’t work.
You get the idea. There are so many things that need to work in harmony in order to pull off good control. If one of them is off by just a little it can throw things out of whack. And by “things” I generally mean everything.
The second post that got my attention was Kassie’s post over at noncompliant about “Not Good Enough”.
She touches on how after the discovery of insulin that living with diabetes was up to the patient, and how there is a lot of guilt there. What if things are not going right? Who’s responsible? Me.
Yes Kassie, I hear you – I often don’t feel that I’m doing good enough.
I often think about what happens if I develop a complication. Will I be able to be Ok with myself knowing that if I could have just done better 10 years ago I could have prevented it? The guilt is a trip. It’s like living your whole life with this big bubble of fear and guilt just waiting to surround you and explode.
There has to be some balance out there somewhere. You know – where you can pull off the “Octfecta” of good health & diabetes control without it consuming your entire life. It’s a mental thing I think, and a damn elusive one at that.
I feel that the mental health side of diabetes is often ignored until depression and other things start working their way into the mix. I think that it should be given a fair amount of attention right off the bat. Expecting people to be Ok with all the potential guilt and responsibility, without having some kind of mental meltdown, is a bit of a stretch.
Maybe I’m just tired of dealing with it all the time. That’s fair too isn’t it? Yes I do have a counselor, and no I’m not having any suicidal thoughts. I’m just feeling “worn down” with diabetes and am entitled to that feeling. I’m working to get my head back on straight and move on with the burden.