Never Quite “There”

Medical caduceus symbol with a big letter D on itI’m not a huge “road trip” guy.  I’ve never mastered the art of enjoying the trip. Instead I’m usually focused on reaching my destination so I can be done driving.  I’m always glancing down at the clock or the odometer to see how much driving is left.

I just want to get there.

I recently moved, and moving is another one of those things.  It is a HUGE job, but you are motivated to finish by the finish itself!  You know that the big heavy boxes and furniture will, at some point, be all moved and you won’t have to lift them anymore.

With diabetes, I’m just never quite there.  I never feel like I’m doing well enough, trying hard enough, living smart enough.  I expressed my frustrations a long time ago, and really nothing has changed since then (over two years ago).   I’m still frustrated.

I believe that most other things have a start and finish.  You engage in a big job, you bust your ass, you finish, and can proudly look back on what you have accomplished.

Why does living with diabetes feel so different?

My first thought is because it never ends.  It is forever.  Is that why?

Maybe that has something to do with it.  But I don’t feel the same way about something like physical fitness.   Maybe it is because I don’t get kicked in the teeth when I stop to take a breath.

Attitude has more than a lot to do with it.  But there are times I just can’t conquer the negative side of things.

I think that I have to find a way to enjoy the trip while I’m driving.  I have to find a way to know that every little thing I do is helping, and that there is no “end”.  I have to know that there will be setbacks and unexpected detours, and not let that stop me from driving and enjoying the scenery along the way.

Maybe I pull off at a rest stop for a minute to stretch and get a fresh Diet Coke, then get back in the saddle.

Anyone have a AAA guide for this trip?

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12 thoughts on “Never Quite “There”

  1. Scott –
    If only we had a built in GPS to navigate though our diabetes! Instead we meander through this never ending Diabetes road – and it’s roadblocks. Some times, it’s a drag, and we have the folks in dblogville to give us a helping hand and point us in the right direction.

  2. There are no roadmaps Scott. For me driving w/D under the hood is at times like trying to avert road bombs which you have no prior knowledge as to their location.
    I have hit many in spite of my car being “finely tuned.”
    No matter how good the engine and tires that are on your car, the guarantee against any mishap/collision is just not there with this Disease.
    So the option becomes………do you keep on driving w/o knowing what awaits or do you decide to remain home?

  3. I have always loved Cool Ranch! My latest obsession is touch of lime tortilla chips. There are some other things Elizabeth buys that I dare not name for fear of generating a concentration-destroying fixation. 🙂

  4. Hey Zaz & everyone – thanks for the comments and support.
    I am still pumping Symlin. I’m down about 15 pounds and really feel good about my blood sugars when I’m using it consistently. Like any other tool, it won’t do any good when it’s not being used right. I’m still learning how to best use it.
    I notice a HUGE difference in my eating on days I don’t use it. I eat like a bottomless pit. I could eat all day long, be physically uncomfortable from eating, and still want more. It’s very clear that my body misses this hormone. I feel so normal about my eating when I’m using it.
    Those days I don’t use it are usually weekends where I wake up and eat (and bolus my insulin) before taking my Symlin. When using Symlin you cannot take all of your insulin right away or you will crash hard. You also do not want to use it when you have a lot of insulin working from prior boluses for the same reason. So those days where I eat and bolus I am tied off from my symlin for hours while I’m waiting for that bolus to get out of my system. It just seems to snowball downwards from there and before you know it I’ve been eating all day.

  5. Great post Scott – great analogy.
    Sometimes we’re on a nice stretch of long quiet highway. Other times we are inching down a pothole ridden street in a blinding rainstorm with no place to pull over.
    But, our chances of having a pleasant journey are better if we tend to certain things – if you get regular tuneups, replace the ratty wiper blades and check your tires, you might be able to prevent some distressing moments. (Same with db – get my drift?)
    …………….big sigh. Put on some good road tunes; wash the windshield, and look behind you when you pull out.
    Hope you have a pack of Cool Ranch Doritos to go with that DC.

  6. You know, it never ceases to amaze me how doctors, insurance companies and health care providers ponder the incidence of clinical depression and diabetes and almost without failure conclude that “educating diabetics” to adhere to an intensive regimen of injections/pump therapy and diets will somehow miraculously solve this problem, yet in the decades since education became widespread, the incidence has grown, not declined as the so-called experts predicted. Perhaps they will consider asking why? After all, not having a conclusion changes one’s perspective of success and also their motivation to continue with a treatment plan.

  7. Scott,
    If only there was a guide. That would make living with this dam diabetes much easier.
    For me, it is easier living with diabetes when I am patient and forgiving to myself. It is a marathon, not a sprint, and I have to continually remind myself of that.
    I think that your driving analogy is perfect. It is about taking time to enjoy the scenery. (although, I have to admit that I focus on the destination when I’m driving too!) Sometimes we get a flat tire, lose our way, or run out of gas. Heck, sometimes the entire car breaks down. We just need to continue moving forward.
    Hang in there! Dixie and I are here if you need help. (we’re living in Hudson, WI now!)

  8. I think attitude has a tremendous amount to do with it. There are times it just hits me with a giant “it’s not fair!” Not just the diabetes, really, but anything I have to deal with on an ongoing basis. I feel the same way about cleaning the house, Scott. Once I do it I think it just ought to stay clean and leave me alone.
    BTW, I wanted to ask you about the Symlin. Are you still using it and is it still being helpful? I appear to be going back on the Byetta. Maybe it’ll be different in combo with the Levemir. If it’s not, he’s probably going to want me on Symlin.

  9. Oh Scott. I feel ya.
    I think we all feel this way sometimes. I have no road map, but if you ever want a buddy on the trip, we’re here.