Lost So Long?

I’ve been feeling very emotional about my diabetes recently.

It feels very vague and hard to identify.

lostThere is nothing really specific I can pin it to, no real point of frustration or trouble.  More like a low level, under the surface disturbance that has gotten my emotional undies all in a bunch.

I was reading one of Birdie’s posts and it hit me.  How can I possibly feel so utterly lost sometimes when I’ve been dealing with diabetes for my whole life?  That feeling of “lostness”, not in terms of loss (a different issue altogether), but rather not knowing where to go and what to do, really hit me.

I think it is important for me to recognize those feelings when they come up, especially when I am able to put a word to what I’m feeling.  I’ll try to dig into it more and see what comes of it.

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17 thoughts on “Lost So Long?

  1. Hi Scott, I’m sorry I only make it by once a week or so, because your comments and insight are truly second to none.
    My 6 year old daughter Caroline is about to hit her 5th ‘anniversary’ with Diabetes…so thats what – one-sixth of how long you’ve had it? But I feel like I know what you mean. We knew and learned a long time ago how to make it through a day.
    But you’re right, there is always like this low level radiation thing – like background noise. If you measured radiation right now, you’d see all kinds of crap going by from microwaves, cell phones, wireless networks, cordless phones at home, and more.
    Thats kind of how I feel too…although a lot of time I have to stop and think about it to really make it come up. Most of the time its just way in the back of my head like a clock ticking. I can’t quite go to sleep because I can hear that damn thing and notice it.
    Well its not cancer. That seems to be about the only thing I can think of sometimes to make myself or someone else feel better. But its true, it can always be worse.
    That makes me feel better for a couple minutes.

  2. I am a basket case and the reason for me is this. With the nice weather (summer) comes the want and need to be out and about, biking, golfing, just walking, but with tighter control of diabetes comes the not just doing all these things whenever and however you want. For instance I cannot just jump on my bike right now and the weather is freaking beautiful, cause I just bolused for dinner, so that makes me way sad and lost. I just went on a minivacation with my two beautiful nieces and I could not frolic around in the lake, because of my pump hanging on me or because I might go low.
    Sooo….. I think it is summer, which I love, love, love, that is making me sad and lost and the loss of freedom of movement at will. I think during the winter months there is not that much yearning for all these activities and fear of going low.
    Hope this makes sense.

  3. Scott,
    Digging in takes courage and energy. I hope when/if you dig in, it brings you peace and that you don’t judge yourself.
    I think that those of us who were diagnosed with diabetes as children go through this as we age and approach 20, 30, 40 years with the disease. I often wonder if I got t1 now (at 31) if I’d be more responsible or diligent about it. Hmmph..no point in wondering, I know. I’d like those 20 years back, sans diabetes, though!

  4. It’s going around, but then again it has never left. I’ve been so destroyed by this I wonder why bother. I was at the endo last week and now another complication to add to the growing list. It seems my body is outliving itself. and the A1C is going up and I’m trying so hard. Carol

  5. Congrats on the A1c’s …thats great news. I hope you can find your way back to feeling large and in charge soon.
    We all get a little “fuzzy” in the brain sometimes…..it’ll work out.
    By the way, this statement you made just cracks me up…”under the surface disturbance that has gotten my emotional undies all in a bunch”
    I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it put like that before….
    Keep goin brother ……you’re doing good work!

  6. More often then not, d-posts get me emotional. diabetes is a strange animal that way. It’s hard to describe but all of you know what I mean.
    thanks man.

  7. Scott, you are so right. It’s like background noise. On the surface, we may be relatively happy and coping well with work, family, or whatever. But underneath there are all those nagging feelings that sort of come down to “why can’t I just get this right?”. Yet we know it will never be “right”, and we will never completely get it down, just have to do the best we can on a given day and hope for the best. Some days that is just more difficult to face than others. Definitley easier though, knowing that other are out there doing the same. Thanks for putting words to it.

  8. Hey all, I’m there with you. This summer has been especially trying for me, for some reason. The OC is the only place I ever meet other RLDs (real-life diabetics)–thank God you guys are out there at least, it really helps when I feel so alone 🙂 Hang in there.

  9. Oh man – like treading in murky water with no land in sight. I was trying to tell my shrink about not “feeling grounded” and he had no idea what I meant. For me, also, this time of year is not fun – the end of summer, fun things drawing to a close, and the dark Minnesota winter ahead. I can already feel the edge to the air in the morning when I walk to the bus. I guess it’s the fact that the db wraps itself around the other currents flowing through our lives – when other things are running smoothly, then sometimes the db is easier to handle.

  10. Yeah, Scott – on the A1C – you dropped 1.4%. Holy crap… That’s great… 🙂
    I guess maybe it’s easy to get lost – even when you supposedly have compasses (you know, experience, tools, etc…) – I feel that way more often now than I did in my earlier years with diabetes. That bothersome, niggling ache.
    I am proud of you for facing it, dealing with it, talking about it. There are so many people who don’t have the courage to do those things.
    I’ll be thinking of ya! 🙂

  11. Scotty J –
    Wonderful post!
    We all feel lost from Diabetes every now in then – it is part of our “normal.” You’ve acknowledged it, in order to understand and own it.
    We are ALL so lucky to have found each other here in dBlogville – it’s one of the few places I feel completely “OK,” even when the “lostness” takes hold.
    Hang in there – and you still ROCK – Lost feeling or found~
    Kelly Kunik

  12. Oh, Scott. I hear you.
    Glad that you found some words for the emotions.
    It’s a journey, that’s for sure.
    PS. I noticed that your A1c (from your historical records) in July was lower than the last one. Nice job man!!!

  13. We all feel so lost sometimes even though we’ve been living with ourselves for..well, forever! Just when we think we have ourselves figured out we end up lost. Diabetes is no different. It keeps things from getting stale:) You’ll find your way again!