How Dare I?

I did pretty damn good at being disciplined with my food choices today, but ended up fighting highs for most of the day.

Now that I’ve settled down a bit (figuratively and literally) I’ve decided to just chalk it up as “one of those days”.  But let me tell you, I was pretty worked up this afternoon.

It’s as if I was being punished with bad blood sugars for having the audacity to try and eat a sandwich for lunch today.  If I would have known beforehand about the highs I would have eaten something I enjoyed more than a crappy cafeteria sandwich!

I think what upset me the most was that I tried to make the “right choices” with food today and diabetes, with a smirk on its face, handed me my ass anyway.

I spent most of the afternoon feeling crappy, yet afraid to pull the trigger on more insulin because I was worried about over correcting and going too low.  The math said I had enough insulin working in me already to take care of the elevated blood sugar – but it didn’t work out that way.  I just stayed high while my insulin on board slowly crept away.

I stayed on the wagon until about 4:30 PM, then jumped off with both feet.  Rage bolus AND some sort of pumpkin cheesecake concoction that a co-worker brought in.  It was delicious.  It had been tempting me all day, and I didn’t bite.  Until about 4:30 PM.  Then I did a little more than bite.  Can you say “total destruction”?

It was good, but like any other time I go down that path, the pleasure lasted only a moment.  Well, actually a fair number of “pleasurable moments” as I went back for more and more.  But when I had eaten enough and didn’t want anymore, I was even more miserable than before I started and guilty on top of it all.

If that post lunch blood sugar would have just behaved itself I would have avoided about a zillion calories this afternoon.

I still don’t know what went wrong, and probably never will.  This is a perfect example of how it is not “just food”.  Food is a complicated and emotionally charged piece of life with diabetes.