How Dare I?

I did pretty damn good at being disciplined with my food choices today, but ended up fighting highs for most of the day.

Now that I’ve settled down a bit (figuratively and literally) I’ve decided to just chalk it up as “one of those days”.  But let me tell you, I was pretty worked up this afternoon.

It’s as if I was being punished with bad blood sugars for having the audacity to try and eat a sandwich for lunch today.  If I would have known beforehand about the highs I would have eaten something I enjoyed more than a crappy cafeteria sandwich!

I think what upset me the most was that I tried to make the “right choices” with food today and diabetes, with a smirk on its face, handed me my ass anyway.

I spent most of the afternoon feeling crappy, yet afraid to pull the trigger on more insulin because I was worried about over correcting and going too low.  The math said I had enough insulin working in me already to take care of the elevated blood sugar – but it didn’t work out that way.  I just stayed high while my insulin on board slowly crept away.

I stayed on the wagon until about 4:30 PM, then jumped off with both feet.  Rage bolus AND some sort of pumpkin cheesecake concoction that a co-worker brought in.  It was delicious.  It had been tempting me all day, and I didn’t bite.  Until about 4:30 PM.  Then I did a little more than bite.  Can you say “total destruction”?

It was good, but like any other time I go down that path, the pleasure lasted only a moment.  Well, actually a fair number of “pleasurable moments” as I went back for more and more.  But when I had eaten enough and didn’t want anymore, I was even more miserable than before I started and guilty on top of it all.

If that post lunch blood sugar would have just behaved itself I would have avoided about a zillion calories this afternoon.

I still don’t know what went wrong, and probably never will.  This is a perfect example of how it is not “just food”.  Food is a complicated and emotionally charged piece of life with diabetes.

 

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Scott K. Johnson

Patient voice, speaker, writer, advocate. Living life with diabetes and telling my story. Patient Success Manager, USA for mySugr (All opinions expressed are my own and do not necessarily represent the position of my employer).

Diagnosed in April of 1980, I recognize the incredible mental struggle of living with diabetes. Read more…