I’ve been wresting with myself the past few days.
I did something I knew very well I shouldn’t. In fact I did it three times. And each time I was miserable and scared afterward. And once I was done being scared I felt guilty.
Mistakes in life happen, and are necessary. We need to make mistakes in order to learn. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes, and then not repeat them if possible. Sometimes it takes a few times for the lesson to sink in, and sometimes the scenarios change a little bit, forcing us to translate the experience a little bit in order to learn from it.
But I’ve made this mistake so many times in my life, and just don’t know why I keep doing it again and again. Without diabetes it would be unhealthy. But with diabetes is it downright dangerous.
The details of this mistake might not matter much, and it can all be thrown in to the “binge eating” bucket. This particular binge eating bucket was full of melted Velveeta cheese and tortilla chips, which I know damn well causes me a lot of problems with my blood sugar — both up front and hours (and hours) later.
Fooling myself into thinking that I might be able to indulge AND manage my blood sugars, I took a crapload of insulin. Then I ate until I couldn’t stuff another cheese covered chip into my mouth. No counting, no measuring, no thinking. Just eating (and eating and eating).
My blood sugars were a mess for the rest of the day. I had started a wild and reckless swing of ups and downs, highs and lows, and a lot of emotions about my failing to control my impulses. It’s just chips and cheese. How could I let something so stupid invade my (hole-filled) fortress of self-control?
But here is what is more crazy. I did this exact same thing three times in three days. It was as if I knew I needed to get rid of it all so it wouldn’t temp me again – except instead of just throwing it away I ate it all, in two separate sittings. What the heck is THAT all about?
I don’t understand what goes on in my head sometimes. Why do I think it is alright to get so reckless? No, that’s not the right question. Why do I get so reckless when I KNOW it is not alright?