I’ve been wresting with myself the past few days.
I did something I knew very well I shouldn’t. In fact I did it three times. And each time I was miserable and scared afterward. And once I was done being scared I felt guilty.
Mistakes in life happen, and are necessary. We need to make mistakes in order to learn. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes, and then not repeat them if possible. Sometimes it takes a few times for the lesson to sink in, and sometimes the scenarios change a little bit, forcing us to translate the experience a little bit in order to learn from it.
But I’ve made this mistake so many times in my life, and just don’t know why I keep doing it again and again. Without diabetes it would be unhealthy. But with diabetes is it downright dangerous.
The details of this mistake might not matter much, and it can all be thrown in to the “binge eating” bucket. This particular binge eating bucket was full of melted Velveeta cheese and tortilla chips, which I know damn well causes me a lot of problems with my blood sugar — both up front and hours (and hours) later.
Fooling myself into thinking that I might be able to indulge AND manage my blood sugars, I took a crapload of insulin. Then I ate until I couldn’t stuff another cheese covered chip into my mouth. No counting, no measuring, no thinking. Just eating (and eating and eating).
My blood sugars were a mess for the rest of the day. I had started a wild and reckless swing of ups and downs, highs and lows, and a lot of emotions about my failing to control my impulses. It’s just chips and cheese. How could I let something so stupid invade my (hole-filled) fortress of self-control?
But here is what is more crazy. I did this exact same thing three times in three days. It was as if I knew I needed to get rid of it all so it wouldn’t temp me again – except instead of just throwing it away I ate it all, in two separate sittings. What the heck is THAT all about?
I don’t understand what goes on in my head sometimes. Why do I think it is alright to get so reckless? No, that’s not the right question. Why do I get so reckless when I KNOW it is not alright?
Yes, been there. Yes, feel guilty.
I think guilt tied to food is something diabetics have to live with, just like the damned disease. Brilliant, right? Not only do we get some huge physical battles but then throw in some mental ones too.
All I can suggest is to ride the waves of the mistakes. The diabetes/food guilt and the highs and lows. Accept that you are human, not a god who is perfect, and keep your head above those waves that come crashing in. Acceptance is the hardest part…I’m still working on that one!!
😀
Hang in there Scott!!
As with most of those commenting on your post, as a T1, I too have struggled, but when it comes right down to it, it’s not the lack of self-discipline that drives these terrible decisions – it’s a psychological issue. And with diabetes, it’s practically a suicidal impulse. Binge eating is a very serious disorder, whether you have diabetes or not. And it is one that professional help can help to sort out. A serious engagement with a professional that one feels comfortable with can help resolve the many issues that make one turn to food for comfort. From experience,… Read more »
hey dont worry i am still doing the exact thing i feel so dumb when i keep doing the same thing over and over.. all i can say is you have to puish yourself a little at a time. get reinforcement to help you out. when i was reading it i felt like it only happend to me. ha but now i now i am not the only one. it doesnt make it ok but i know i am not the only one struggling.
Cheez-Its and chocolate-chip cookies. Last night.
Why? Well that’s easy – because you are human!!! Part of being human is making mistakes . . . sometimes the same one over and over.
I think we have lived for so long with measuring and counting every single darn thing we put in our mouths – we just have to ignore it sometimes or we’ll go crazy. Maybe it isn’t physically healthy, but it sure can help our sanity.