I’ve been wresting with myself the past few days.
I did something I knew very well I shouldn’t. In fact I did it three times. And each time I was miserable and scared afterward. And once I was done being scared I felt guilty.
Mistakes in life happen, and are necessary. We need to make mistakes in order to learn. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes, and then not repeat them if possible. Sometimes it takes a few times for the lesson to sink in, and sometimes the scenarios change a little bit, forcing us to translate the experience a little bit in order to learn from it.
But I’ve made this mistake so many times in my life, and just don’t know why I keep doing it again and again. Without diabetes it would be unhealthy. But with diabetes is it downright dangerous.
The details of this mistake might not matter much, and it can all be thrown in to the “binge eating” bucket. This particular binge eating bucket was full of melted Velveeta cheese and tortilla chips, which I know damn well causes me a lot of problems with my blood sugar — both up front and hours (and hours) later.
Fooling myself into thinking that I might be able to indulge AND manage my blood sugars, I took a crapload of insulin. Then I ate until I couldn’t stuff another cheese covered chip into my mouth. No counting, no measuring, no thinking. Just eating (and eating and eating).
My blood sugars were a mess for the rest of the day. I had started a wild and reckless swing of ups and downs, highs and lows, and a lot of emotions about my failing to control my impulses. It’s just chips and cheese. How could I let something so stupid invade my (hole-filled) fortress of self-control?
But here is what is more crazy. I did this exact same thing three times in three days. It was as if I knew I needed to get rid of it all so it wouldn’t temp me again – except instead of just throwing it away I ate it all, in two separate sittings. What the heck is THAT all about?
I don’t understand what goes on in my head sometimes. Why do I think it is alright to get so reckless? No, that’s not the right question. Why do I get so reckless when I KNOW it is not alright?
Yes, been there. Yes, feel guilty.
I think guilt tied to food is something diabetics have to live with, just like the damned disease. Brilliant, right? Not only do we get some huge physical battles but then throw in some mental ones too.
All I can suggest is to ride the waves of the mistakes. The diabetes/food guilt and the highs and lows. Accept that you are human, not a god who is perfect, and keep your head above those waves that come crashing in. Acceptance is the hardest part…I’m still working on that one!!
😀
Hang in there Scott!!
As with most of those commenting on your post, as a T1, I too have struggled, but when it comes right down to it, it’s not the lack of self-discipline that drives these terrible decisions – it’s a psychological issue. And with diabetes, it’s practically a suicidal impulse. Binge eating is a very serious disorder, whether you have diabetes or not. And it is one that professional help can help to sort out. A serious engagement with a professional that one feels comfortable with can help resolve the many issues that make one turn to food for comfort. From experience, diabetes is a big issue, but there’s always going to be a lot of other issues that lead us to make bad decisions that can have crushingly bad results in our well-being. And those issues aren’t often figured out on one’s own. Scott – I admire your ability to share so much. Thanks and good luck.
hey dont worry i am still doing the exact thing i feel so dumb when i keep doing the same thing over and over.. all i can say is you have to puish yourself a little at a time. get reinforcement to help you out. when i was reading it i felt like it only happend to me. ha but now i now i am not the only one. it doesnt make it ok but i know i am not the only one struggling.
Cheez-Its and chocolate-chip cookies. Last night.
Why? Well that’s easy – because you are human!!! Part of being human is making mistakes . . . sometimes the same one over and over.
I think we have lived for so long with measuring and counting every single darn thing we put in our mouths – we just have to ignore it sometimes or we’ll go crazy. Maybe it isn’t physically healthy, but it sure can help our sanity.
Well from the previous comments, it doesn’t seem like you are the only one who fall prey to binge eating. I wonder if it has to do with restriction and at one point, your body/mental just say enough is enough and you have a period of binge eating?
Hang in there Scott!
Oh, Scott. I bet for most people reading this, it’s like reading a story from our own chapters. Like other responders… I’ve been there.
Diabetes just takes so much discipline. And sometimes we’re like two years olds screaming “NOOOO!”
It’s a moment of impulsivity.
I don’t have a solution to offer. Just to say, I’ve been there. sigh.
Scottie-
I have been there so many times in the past. The crazy thing is, it’s always with chips. Bro, I can’t keep chips in my house at all! It’s a recipe for a HiGh. We know it’s wrong but we live in learn. I haven’t binged on anything in about a month. It’s day by day and no buying chips for me.
I hope you figure out what works for you. I would recommend not buying the darn things. Good luck! Great post.
Be Blessed
I’ve had very few of these moments, but when I have, it’s been brutal. I was just telling a co-worker what my snacks were during finals weeks in college. Pretty atrocious when I think about it now (you don’t want to know), but I was young and stupid and stick-thin with exercise and without metabolism issues. (And it was better than not eating like I did in my early teens…uh yeah right.)
I feel for you. I get it. Unfortunately :(.
Oh man. Been there, done that, still continue to do it. WHY? Is a good question. As if the guilt isn’t bad enough, we get the wrath of the roller coaster ride too. I totally understand what you mean, I wish I had an answer too!
“This particular binge eating bucket was full of melted Velveeta cheese and tortilla chips, which I know damn well causes me a lot of problems with my blood sugar — both up front and hours (and hours) later.”
Been there!!
Thank goodness, years ago.
It’s hard to get away from “Because during that short time that you are grubbing on whatever you want, you feel like you don’t have the bete. Or at least that you are not going to let it get the best of you.” this…. (thanks George, you hit the nail on the head man!)
Dinner the other night, large group, waitress taking drink orders took Forever. So I had time to look at the dessert menu, which I do my best to avoid eye contact with.
I decided one a tiny tart dessert.
Woman next to me said, “I thought you didn’t do desserts.”
It was a statement because at Thanksgiving I discussed controlling portion size during the Holidays in order to enjoy some sweets with her during “Which pie this year shall I indulge on?”.
It was nice that she payed attention. Nice that it was Not accusatory, it was not a question either. Just a fact.
I told her, “I don’t really crave but I certainly appreciate the tasty options. Just a little extra insulin goes a long way.”
It worked only because the portion was like a 3 biter then that was it. Done.
When it’s available, in front of you, keep it coming is hard to ignore.
Don’t get too down. We All do it.
Thanks for the honesty tho Scott.
I have done it and will do it again.
Scott,
The part that I hate about this the most for you is that because of the guilt and shame about eating too much, you didn’t even really get to enjoy it. 🙁
We are all guilty of not eating the right things at some point, diabetic or not. Unfortunately, having type 1 diabetes sure doens’t help matters. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try again.
hey scott,
i think weve all done that.we touched on it before i think the what makes us do that urge.always the denial.the self scolding.the fear
the angst.we know its wrong we know it will hurt.we also know we can correct. food roulette ?knowledge does not trump the craving from hell.when that happens to me heres what the weird part is,it taste much better than it actually is.there is something in
the jello mold we call a brain that defies all reason.i suspect it is more of a mind urge than a true hunger/craving.we can satisfy a hunger pain but it takes more than once to satisfy the mind.until that electrical urge is shut off i believe i keep doing it.i would love to see a scan of the brain while something like that has us in its grip.reckless is just a word we put to it.but what if its some kind of mental release safety valve.
moderation wisdom etc etc we all know that.it goes deeper,i think much deeperwe will have to explore this some more,because its obvious most of us do it
((Scott))
Thanks for the encouragement. Doc appt. went really well. Took a lot of blood and will follow up next week with results and maybe changes in thyroid meds….. I really appreciate the support. Wasn’t scared at all to open up to the O.C…. more so my extended family who reads the blog… but oh well…. I’m a believer in transparency. Makes like easier. =)
All things in moderation… including going overboard.
Because during that short time that you are grubbing on whatever you want, you feel like you don’t have the bete. Or at least that you are not going to let it get the best of you.
The ironic part is, that is when the D can do the most damage.
I HATE IT and I do the same stuff.
Stay strong my brother.
Wisdom is knowing you are making a mistake before you make it, instead of after. Not making it at all is a whole ‘nuther thing 🙂
We all have cravings, we all have our bad days. It’s the habits that shape our diabetes, not the exceptions.
-Lloyd
done the same thing. wish I knew why,
Need a hug Scott? I keep telling myself that _this time_ I’ll be able to eat a reasonable amount. Or how about “I deserve a binge, I’ve been so good” ? Would you like to try, “It doesn’t matter anyways?”
But I do have to admit that one of my favorites is “If I just eat it, it won’t be there to tempt me and I’ll do great tomorrow.”
If you find a technique for learning from your mistakes, I’d love to hear it. I fall in the category of the thick-headed. 🙂